Growing up in a cage called Indonesia
I was always sure about being an artist. Fighting against the absurdity of my society and pointing out the truths.
Yet she was always in the way, pressuring me to fulfil her dreams and lead a mediocre life.
Ignoring the facts that I won competitions and excel in languages, performing arts, and music.
Preventing me from being casted in national tv and national choir.
Yet I had to always be the best in her field without mercy.
I was just 12 when she said,” I don’t want your life to be hard.” And at the same time she said,” I don’t understand why you’re not smiling, you’re not joyful anymore.” And fuck it was clear, it was because all of her micro rules particularly prohibiting me from doing arts.
My life was already hard yet she made it even harder; being a minority in multiple aspects, being a part Chinese in a dysfunctional Catholic family, a queer, an honest person, and a non-religious led to me being chased and hunted every single day; and eventually me attempted suicide at 14.
I came out as a queer at this age, I did not know any LGBTQ term as I did not have any internet access. However, I was sure that I had a strong interest to one or two friends of the same-sex.
Obviously she didn’t believe such thing exists as she is blindly devoted to the church.
At this time I also hated gay people or probably just a lot of adults as she forced me to be polite to them yet some took advantage of me sexually.
well sadly, she is my mum. I do not want her to be my enemy, but well …
Then some told me,”I mean if you’re gay, don’t you feel happy if some other guy is touching you?”
Growing up as a complex kid, I did not really have friends or family. So I guess I was confused, I was unconsciously looking for a single figure that fits a parent, a friend, and possibly a lover .
Well apparently that was not right. That doesn’t feel right
Most of them have kids. They seem trustworthy.
But well I found out the truth at a very young age that Indonesia has a lot of gay people performing heterosexual marriage. (I guess it used to be the same in developed countries)
I get that, to survive from being imprisoned/killed. Still I have no empathy for them, taking advantage of young people. I get that when you are lying your whole life, you need a win.
Honestly, it is always something that I am afraid of until today. I do not want to end up like them. That is probably why I was constantly coming out since I was in primary school. Though it wasn’t received successfully until I was 20.
But then, I am not saying that straight people are better. We’re a very sexually repressed country and therefore many of us become rapists and pedophiles. The more religious a person seems to be, I find that the more likely they become a sexual predator.
and yes, I am very much aware with the case of Reynhard Sinaga, the Indonesian student who turned to be a serial rapist in the UK. God, he made himself famous and got into wikipedia. I do feel some empathy towards him, though I do not justify his action. And probably this is why I feel like I have to be an actor, I want to portray the life of mostly criminals as most of them had undesirable life (I don’t know about this particular guy though).
I always thought criminals exist because of us roaming on the street, forcing them to be more like us. If it is not because of my second chance, I might end up being one too.
It is impossible to fight against your nature, a lot of celibate priests are sexual predator. So, my advice, have sex!
Plus you need practice with sex, that is why most marriage have affairs, because you probably are not sexually compatible. And having an affair is good, it just means you and your partner are not compatible anymore. I always wish my parents got divorced.
Apart from that, thank God, I had my first consensual sex when I was 13. Kinda shows how much I don’t care about how conservative my country is. Or even the possibility that I might end up in jail / getting killed. I guess I was already too depressed from my mum’s demands, I just needed a win.
My mum and I, we didn’t spend that much time together as she succumbed to her work 24/7, but she spent 10 mins a day mostly diminishing my feelings.
There were some times when she did good and therefore my confusion. But I thought those were just distractions to hide the actual intentions. I was there to give her a confirmation so she could have a purpose in life. It is still a very common thing around the world, when a parent treated their kid like a property or a project. And it is pretty much all Chinese-Indonesian parents.
Anyway, in this case, I am well aware that her behaviour is the result of 1998 Chinese massacre and multiple times before that during the new order in Indonesia. And believe me, the aftermath is still felt until today.
(Yes we have our own hitler/thatcher. Though I personally believe they are not 100% bad. Also we have our own version of slavery and holocaust :’) )
And back then, I always wondered, we had the status of refugees but she was too coward to move on, why wouldn’t we run away too like our cousins?
Will my life be better or worse?
How lucky it is to be born as a non-Chinese in Indonesia?
Then, after being away from Indonesia, I did not know that Asians in general have the lowest value in the global community. We are quite invisible apart from the stereotype of repressed nerdy ching chong china man, at least in the art world. Though the racism is not as intense as back home. Probably just a catcall on the street once a week, when I was in the UK.
And again the good thing with being abroad, there is a lot of variation. You will meet the nicest people ever and also the worse people ever.
high risk high return
But honestly, I love the idea of being an underdog now, cause I can walk in the shadows and do whatever I want. One thing that I really appreciate in Melbourne is I can walk on the street without people staring at me or chasing me, whether it is 12 AM or 12 PM.
Weirdly though, I always thought I don’t give a shit about Indonesia. But I always say I am Indonesian, I never feel like hiding it. Though I am usually offended when the first question from a stranger is,” where do you come from?”. Back home, I am not quite acknowledged by my people as one of them. But the more time I spent outside, the more assurance I have as an Indonesian. So my question is… maybe I do care? I don’t know.
Nevertheless, I want to get better.
It’s always difficult to find the root cause of my current problem. Every time I peel the onion, it seems to have thousands of layers. Those spasms, ptsds, and joint disorders.
I released them a bit by bit and at this point I finally realise that everything lead to my mum, for now. I need to acknowledge all of her wrongdoings. I tolerated them for too long. And back home, my ability to acknowledge this was nullified by my peers.
It is still very uncommon for Indonesians to cut their connection with their parents. I believe this is part of growing up, to cut your codependency.
For a very long time, she was trying to protect me from the world in her tiny little bubble. But her bubble was never big enough for me as I was born with more “defects” compare to her “perfect” life.
And yes she was successfully preventing me to meet most threats, but she forgot that she left the biggest one,…. her.
Yes, she is part of the world. Her life is driven by fear. And therefore she is part of the danger. If only she let me saw the world as a whole, I could have a comparison and cherry pick my mum’s good behaviour instead of accepting them altogether. So yes, keeping your children in a cage is always a bad idea.
At the beginning, it was hard for me to cut her from my life because my empathy was always in the way of condemning her behaviour. Not to mention she was always good at playing victim and guilt trip me every single time.
People always told me, “Don’t you pity your mother?”
Well , don’t you pity me?
But today I realise, maybe it was just not the time yet. I was supposed to learn about whatever I needed to learn. And now when the momentum is right, I am back to the path where I am supposed to be, with or without her.
And this kind of thing is apparently very common in the world. It is just not common in Indonesia.
We have this stupidity in which the parents sacrifice everything for their kids (or so they thought) and their kids sacrifice everything for their parents.
What a fucking stupid cancelling scheme. Who reap the benefits?!! I don’t know, maybe those stupid church enterprises.
Sometimes, I wish I was smarter, I wish I knew I had the option to not include her or anyone in my life. I wish I knew sooner that I am not responsible for anybody’s happiness but myself.
Why?
Well apparently true happiness is contagious. If you’re happy, people around you will feel it too. You can never make other people happy if you are not.
Anyway this post is not me showing myself as a victim.
On the contrary, I want to show you that everyone is a victim. Yet, eventually there are opportunities in life when you can take control of your wheel, just not the others. If people choose to be miserable their whole life, you can leave them. And that’s okay. If you do the right thing, maybe after a couple of years, they will see it and follow your deeds.
I do what I can do despite of my limitations. I’m in my late 20s with multiple physical and mental injuries. Too late for building my skill as a performing artist (yes there’s such thing as being late). Unlike when you’re under 25, there won’t be much aid comes. Also your body is less forgiving.
That’s the truth.
Yet I do it anyway. Yet I couldn’t think of anything better to do. I’m still sad. I’m still making amend with my injuries and my past. I’m still suicidal. But at least, once in a while, I get a glimpse of happiness and peace.
People come and go, there’s rejections, deaths, life cycle and it’s all just part of life.
At worse, if you feel like it is a dead-end, you can always die, kill yourself.
Yes unlike other “normal” people, I know how it feels to be suicidal, since I was in primary school. And it’s ok to be suicidal. Think about it, we’re overpopulated. We have 300 millions people! Probably these suicides are just the world trying to sustain itself. Trying to remind you that something is not right. There is not enough space for everyone to do the same thing, the same tradition that our ancestors did. In the past, maybe. we had a lot of wars and genocides. Today? well the world is quite peaceful, sauf Afghanistan I’m sorry.
But, if we really want a peaceful world, we need to stop making kids, well not entirely. But come on, 10 kids?!
Although in my experience, if the world is not done with you, you will always always fail to kill yourself. So the choice of killing yourself is most likely an illusion. But yes, if you’re suicidal, don’t listen to those advices that come from non-suicidal people. It is ok to feel them, you’re not selfish. They are the selfish ones for forcing you to be more like them.
We are humans. The pioneer of evolution on earth. It is our job to keep changing, to break the boundaries. If you are marching on the spot, eventually you will be abandoned. If it is not by other humans, maybe by earth itself.
Anyway hopefully time will resolve the feeling.
The river flows and we can only move forward.
And 2022 seems like a fresh start for the world :)
